Recently, I disclosed my deepest/darkest secrets to my T in an email. I have been holding onto these secrets for a long time. Only a few people knew about them, and I never told any of them details.

My disclosure came about after a couple events triggered me. I recently started going to the pool again and decided to wear a bathing suit. Being in public with so little clothing to cover my body caused me to feel self-conscience and ashamed of my body. I have SI cuts and scars on my leg which could clearly be seen. The next event was reading the book Waking the Tiger. In the book, it describes “the felt sense” which is where you try to be aware of how your body is responding to your environment, thoughts, and emotions. Being aware of my body and feeling physical sensations yet again brought up feelings of disgust for my body.

The week before, in therapy, we were talking about how I viewed myself. My T wasn’t understanding why I hated myself so much, why I have an extreme desire to punish myself. So after my feelings and past memories were triggered, without considering any consequence, I wrote my T everything in my past I’m ashamed about.

The night before session, I was so sick with anxiety. I was actually throwing up. When I went into my session, I couldn’t even look my T in the eyes. I probably had 3 complete emotional breakdowns in the span of an hour.

While disclosing my past was extremely terrifying and traumatizing, I think/hope it was worth it. I already feel a sense of relief. I no longer have to carry this secret alone. I no longer have to fear rejection and abandonment from my T (least not over this). I was able to express all the raw emotions and still be in a safe and caring environment.

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