I have spent my entire life trying to be perfect. I try to make everyone happy and proud of me. I try to be a good fiance: do the laundry, dishes, cook, clean, listen, support, encourage, etc. I try to be a good granddaughter-in-law: set the table, clear the table, take care of her grandson (my fiance), take care of the house, etc. I try to be a good daughter: listen to all my mom’s woes, take her to her doctor appointments, look after her after her surgeries, etc. When I was in college, I would try to get all A’s. If I “thought” that I wasn’t going to do well, I would drop the class before I even received my grade. I try to be a good client/patient: I take all my medication as prescribed, I always go to all my appointments and show up on time or early, I listen to all their advice, etc.
Even with myself, I try to be perfect. I organize my clothes by type and color. I organize the pantry by type of meal and with all labels facing forward. I clean each room of my house 100%. Even this website: I am constantly trying to perfect each page. When I write or speak, I try my best to use correct spelling, grammar, and punctuation.
Today, my T gave me permission to be a “C” student. She told me I do not have to have all the answers nor try to figure out the “correct” answer. So we were discussing how I constantly feel the need to punish myself. She asked me if I thought others should be punished if they had a similar past as mine. My answer: “no”. She asked me why. I didn’t really have an answer. She asked me why was I different in that I need to be punished? I answered: “Because I’m not a good person”. She told me that we’re all only human and we all make mistakes. She said that I expect perfection from myself and from other people, and because of this I add onto my own anxiety and depression.
It’s hard knowing that you’re T is right, but your thoughts and feelings say otherwise.
So this week, I am going to try practicing being human. I’m going to try to give myself permission to not do things perfectly. I’m not quite sure how to do this, but I know if I can accomplish this it will definitely be an improvement on my life. I guess, the first thing I will start with is not worrying about being perfect in my relationships. I know I can’t please everyone and maybe it’s time to accept my own short-comings and simply take care of myself. My loved ones might be disappointed, upset, or even frustrated. But I have taken care of everyone else for so many years. I think if they truly love me, they will understand that I have to take care of myself too. After all, I am only human…