Apprehension of DBT

I’m supposed to start DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) next year. It is extremely terrifying to me…

For one, I’m scared of people. I have always been shy. I was the child who hid beneath my teacher’s skirt, I would hide in corners or under furniture, and I always sat in the back of the classroom (even when I attended college). I fear people judging me or rejecting me. I’ve never felt like I’ve fit in. And I haven’t had many friends. So to be in a group full of strangers…

I’m aslo scared of the type of people who will be in the group. Most the people will be Schizophrenics. I’ve met many people with Schizophrenia. Some have been amazing people. But others are a little too far out there for me. I already have difficulties with communication. I don’t even like conversing with people who have strong accents. So to try to communicate with someone who is delusional…

Then there’s being judged for my mental health. The staff might judge me simply because of the BPD. They might assume I’m manipulative, a liar, have boundary issues all because of my diagnosis. Or they may see that I’m high functioning and intelligent and might have too high of expectations for me. Both scenarios have happened a lot.

Then there’s also the fact that the DBT group is with the county. I was once a part of the county when I was in my late teens, early twenties. I found a wonderful therapist last time with them. They also helped me become independent. But I experienced a lot of bad things too. I had horrible psychiatrists who forced me to change my medications, called me fat, or even told me I was b.s’ing him. I had a case manager who abandoned me. And plus,the situation I was in at that time in my life (homeless and alone) is not something I want to go back to. I tried my hardest to leave that life and now it feels like I’m going back to it. 😦