Feeling Vulnerable

Lately I have been feeling extremely vulnerable and insecure. I’m sure part of it is due to the BPD. I just feel like I’m stuck in a never ending circle.

It’s been a rough 1.5 month in therapy. I constantly worry that disclosing my past to my T has caused her to judge me negatively and/or has affected our relationship. This anxiety causes me to want to both push her away and also cling to her. I want to push her away to protect myself, so that she won’t reject me because I will reject her first. I want to cling to her because I want to be comforted and to know that she still accepts me. But then I’m afraid to act on this neediness in fear that she’ll push me away. So I go back to wanting to push her awat first.

Also, having to go to group therapy, be with strangers, and being with the county is terrifying. I was abandoned once before and left in the care of the county. I fear my T and Pdoc will do the same.

Then there’s the holidays. Holidays and birthdays are difficult for me. I’ve never had a drama free holiday or birthday. Something always goes wrong. Plus, now that I have two families (mine and my fiance’s), it’s difficult splitting the time evenly between the two. I also hate gifting during these times. I don’t have a lot of money and my family twnds to expect a certain dollar amount for gifts. On top of that, I don’t think anyone should be required to gift on a particular day just because society or the government deems it a special day. I would rather appreciate my loved ones everyday of the year and gift to them when something reminds me of them. To me that is more special.

There’s also the ever-looming threat that the insurance will deny continued therapy with my T.

My Pdoc is pregnant and so I know her maternity leave will be difficult for me.

And next week I go in for blood work. The results will determine whether or not my OB/GYN will help me get pregnant in January (due to hormone problems, I can’t conceive on my own).

I’m on an emotional roller coaster, and I’m just trying to hold on.