I have been shy my entire life. As a child, I would play under tables, behind couches, under beds, under desks, and in closets. I was always hiding. I believe my parents loved me, but like every family, we had our issues. I felt very little connection to my family or to friends. My saving grace was that I’ve had multiple women role-models throughout my life who provided me with nurturing, support, encouragement, discipline, values, knowledge, and wisdom.
When I was thirteen years old, I started self-injury. It began with pinching myself, and slowly developed into cutting. This is when I first entered mental health treatment. I suffer from Borderline Personality Traits, Major Depressive Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. While I know many others have suffered much more than I ever have, my life has not been easy. I have difficulty maintaining relationships, I suffer from suicidal ideation on a daily basis, and I am intelligent but lack the ability to fully function on my own. I am too functional for the mental health community, and too disabled for the “normal” community. I have suffered massive amounts of abandonment and rejection. I even wound up in a homeless shelter at the age of eighteen.
I do not regret my life. I wish I didn’t have to suffer as much as I have, but I’ve experienced many wonderful things due to my difficulties. I’ve had the privilege to see into other people’s lives: their real life and not the façade they show to the rest of the world. Since I rarely socialized, I would observe and analyze people from afar and learned about behaviors and expressions. I can see beauty where most others see weakness. I have the ability to relate and understand many different types of people. For all of that, I am grateful for the course of my life.
Highest Level of Education: Some College
Number of Therapists: 9
Number of Psychiatrists: 10
Number of Different Psychiatrist Medications Tried: 20
Number of Suicide Attempts: 3
Number of Times in Mental Hospital: 2
Number of Times in Crisis House: 6