Psych Humor

Light BulbsHow Many Light bulbs?

Personality Disorders:

  • How many Narcissistic personality disorders does to take to change a light bulb?
    o   Just one. To hold the light bulb, but he has to wait for the whole world to revolve around him.
  • How many Borderline personality disorders does it take to change a light bulb?
    o   Just one. To threaten suicide if you don’t change it for him/her.
  • How many Obsessive-Compulsive personality disorders does to take to change a light bulb?
    o   Just one. But he has to check it 100 times, one for each watt.
  • How many Passive Aggressive personality disorders does to take to change a light bulb?
    o   Oops. I can’t believe I broke the last one. I guess you’ll have to sit in the dark.
  • How many Dependent personality disorders does to take to change a light bulb?
    o   None, he’s still clinging to the old light bulb.
  • How many Histrionic personality disorders does to take to change a light bulb?
    o   “You want me to change the light bulb? I could burn my hand! I could be electrocuted! I could fall off the ladder and be paralyzed for life! You don’t love me anymore!”

Other Mental Health Conditions:

  • How many Manic Depressives does it take to screw a light bulb?
    o   Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to keep the first one from sticking his finger in the live socket.
  • How many Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) patients does it take to change a light bulb?
    o   They can’t: Once the light bulb goes out, all they can do is sit there and cry.
  • How many paranoids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    o   Hey! Are you following me?!!?

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

o   Only one, but the bulb has to be willing to change.
o   Just one, but the light has to really want to change.
o   Just One. And his mother.
o   Just one, but it takes nine visits.
o   None. The light bulb will change itself when it’s ready.
o   Why should the light bulb necessarily HAVE to change?
o   Why can’t it be happy the way it is?
o   “How many do you think it takes?”
o   “How long have you been having this fantasy?”

Other Mental Health Professionals:

  • How many Freudians psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
    o   Two. One to change the bulb and one to hold the penis… I mean ladder!
  • How many psychology professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    o   One with two graduate students, but they get three papers out of it.
  • How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
    o   One, but he must consult the DSM-IV.

Psychology Symbol

A Ph. D. in Clinical Psychology Stands For:

  • Piled High and Deep
  • Pretty Heavy, Dude
  • Psychic Healing Dispenser
  • Psychologically Heavily Disabled

Psychiatry Symbol

Definition of Psychiatry:

  • The care of the id by the odd.

Sign Directions

The best thing about having Alzheimer’s disease?

  • You can hide your own Easter eggs.
  • You are always meeting new people.
  • You never have to watch reruns on television.

Hostage

Hostage?

  • If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Phone

1-800-PSYCH

  • Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
  • If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
  • If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
  • If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
  • If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
  • If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name.
  • If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  • If you have a masochistic complex, please press “0” for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.
  • If you are depressed, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Holiday Nuts

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

  • SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?
  • MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
  • DEMENTIA – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.
  • NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
  • MANIA – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town …or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
  • PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
  • PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll tell you why.
  • OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell…
  • PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE – On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

View From Skyscraper

Rogerian Therapist

  • Patient: I’m really depressed.
  • Therapist: I see. Yes. You are depressed.
  • P: Nothing is going well.
  • T: Nothing well.
  • P: I feel like killing myself.
  • T: You’re thinking of killing yourself.
  • P: Yes, I’m going to do it NOW.
  • T: You want to do it now.
  • P: [Jumps out window.]
  • T: Whoosh. Splat.

Where to Publish Your Paper

Where to Publish Your Paper

  1. If you understand it and can prove it, then send it to a journal of mathematics.
  2. If you understand it, but can’t prove it, then send it to a physics journal.
  3. If you can’t understand it, but can prove it, then send it to an economics journal.
  4. If you can neither understand it nor prove it, then send it to a psychology journal.
  5. If it attempts to make something important out of something trivial, then send it to a journal of education.
  6. If it attempts to make something trivial out of something important, send it to a journal of metaphysics.